The Big, Bad Celebrity Shaykh

You know what I’m really afraid of? The big bad CELEBRITY SHAYKH! Hide yo kids, hide yo wife. Shudder in fear as he bellows with that mighty roar that is so terrifyingly learned and charming. Gasp! Is that a CELEBRITY SHAYKH coming to the local masjid?! O the humanity! He is literally tearing the dome off the masjid and eating it! He is using the minaret to skewer unsuspecting masjid bystanders! You know it’s going to be a nightmare to park in the masjid lot when there’s a CELEBRITY SHAYKH in town…because he is going to be stomping cars and destroying public property Godzilla-style. Call the National Guard before the CELEBRITY SHAYKH levels downtown!

Before I go to bed at night, I check under the bed and in the closet to make sure there are no celebrity shaykhs hiding, waiting for me to fall asleep. And when I go camping in the woods, on the moonless nights, I can sometimes hear the celebrity shaykhs’ footsteps in the dark, stalking me. Do you ever feel the hair on the back of your neck standing up? That’s when the celebrity shaykhs are right behind you!

You know what the government is hiding in Area 51? It’s not aliens…

You know who is running the Illuminati? It’s not the Rothschilds…

You know who makes crop circles? It’s not UFOs…

Let this be a warning to you. The CELEBRITY SHAYKH knows no fear …and will stop at nothing to get you.

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Update: sorry, I guess this was ambiguous. I am just parodying all the over-the-top attacks and fear mongering going on about the “celebrity shaykh,” where people are making it out like these shuyukh are the biggest threat to humanity since anthrax. Let’s just chill and treat our scholars with respect, love, and at the very least husn al dhann, whether they are celebrities or not.

 

You know what I'm really afraid of? The big bad CELEBRITY SHAYKH! Hide yo kids, hide yo wife. Shudder in fear as he…

Posted by Daniel Haqiqatjou on Tuesday, August 9, 2016

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