How Modern Islamic “Education” Destroys Marriages

A brother approached me some time ago asking for help. He was seriously contemplating divorcing his wife but he didn’t want to because he really loved her. But she was making life a living hell. This was due to her outrageous expectations.

She was a practicing Muslima who attended lectures, took religious classes, etc. She had learned that Islamically, the husband has to provide for the wife and the wife has no responsibility to contribute. She had heard over and over again from certain teachers — the ones portraying themselves as “allies to Muslim women” — that everything a Muslim woman earns is hers and she has the right to refuse to contribute anything to the household. She has the right to refuse to do housework, cook, clean, etc. This is all the husband’s responsibility which he must bear alone.

What made matters worse is that his wife had also learned that, according to the fiqh, a husband is responsible for providing living standards for his wife that are commensurate with her social class. She fancied herself as high class given that they lived in one of the more well-to-do areas of town and her friends all lived in big houses, drove luxury sedans, wore expensive outfits, etc. Why should she settle for any less, especially when Shaykh Fulan had said in his weekend fiqh seminar that Muslim women must be “treated like queens” and must be furnished a lifestyle that is commensurate with that. This was the Traditional Islam™ she had been taught and she used it as a club to bludgeon her husband emotionally and psychologically.

The brother told me all this and his problem was that, after two years of this, he was struggling to make ends meet. He had for two years worked hard to meet these huge demands, but then, suddenly he was laid off from his job. His wife, however, was working, making good money, but she did not want to help out financially. Eventually she begrudgingly loaned him money to pay for their expenses, but it came at a price.

According to Shaykh Fulan, if the man does not provide financially, his wife has no duty to obey him (not that she was obeying him before because that would be “Patriarchy!” which, surprise, surprise, Shaykh Fulan also denounces vociferously). This led to more tension because the wife kept rubbing in his face how inadequate he was as a man AND as a Muslim. She did not respect him, even though he had spent two years devotedly working hard to provide her the lavish lifestyle she demanded and she enjoyed.

This story is just one of so many. In certain parts of the US, the Muslim divorce rate has jumped in the past few years and part of the reason is that some of these Muslim figures have been peddling such an over exaggerated picture of women’s rights in Islam that some Muslim women’s expectations of their rights vs. responsibilities are completely unhinged. What did we expect to happen by constantly telling Muslim women that they are poor, innocent victims that should be treated like queens, and if they are not treated as such, that is tantamount to abuse from the selfish, savage Muslim man, who is prone to violence and infidelity? How can Muslim men live up to these ridiculous expectations? Marital dissatisfaction on the part of the wife is the inevitable result and she is the one demanding divorce.

The common trope nowadays is that dysfunction in the Muslim family is primarily due to the failings of the husband/father. It’s the husband that’s unreasonable in selfishly demanding his rights; it’s the husband who is more likely to be unfaithful; it’s the husband who is typically the abuser, etc. Of course, none of these assertions are backed by reputable research of the Muslim community. But that doesn’t stop some Muslims from believing these claims and it certainly doesn’t stop shameless panderers from peddling them.

As I’ve often explained, the “Abusive Muslim Man” myth originated with Orientalists who wanted to justify colonization. The colonizers portrayed themselves as saving the poor, innocent Muslim maiden from the savage Muslim man who forces his womenfolk to abide by the repressive diktats of the Sharia. The colonizer, thus, offered freedom from this hell on earth, freedom from the veil, freedom from polygyny, freedom from domestic drudgery, freedom from motherhood, etc. This narrative has been thoroughly internalized by some Muslims.

And some male Muslim figures promote and teach the community this same “Abusive Muslim Man” myth. They teach it because it is a popular myth that resonates with the broader Western cultural consciousness and one can benefit financially and professionally by plugging into that. Along those lines, there is a powerful incentive to portray oneself as “one of the good ones,” i.e., a Muslim man who “gets it,” a Muslim man who is a “real ally of women,” a Muslim man who “actually cares about women” contrary to expectations, contrary to the average Muslim male savage. In sum, there is a powerful incentive to advance this myth and entrench it, all the while portraying oneself as the “Muslim white knight.”

What makes this mindset difficult to deal with is that it is plagued by conformation bias. Many of those reading this right at this moment are thinking, “But I do know abusive Muslim men!!!”

Let me be clear. The “Abusive Muslim Man” myth is not a myth because there are no abusive Muslim men. Of course there are. Rather, it is a myth because Muslim men are not more prone to be abusive when compared to non-Muslim men AND even Muslim women. The abuse from some women simply takes on a variety of forms that are no less damaging and no less pervasive than what is seen from Muslim men.

As I’ve said before, I have come across countless examples of abusive Muslim women. These stories don’t get spread far and wide precisely because they go against the cultural consciousness and the Orientalist mindset some have internalized. There are examples of Muslim women physically abusing their husbands (and children). There are even more examples of emotional and psychological abuse. The above is just one heart-wrenching example.*

NB: This post is not about disputing certain fiqh positions. Yes, according to some opinions in the Shafi`i school, wives reserve the right to refuse household chores, cooking, cleaning, etc. What should trouble us, however, is the imbalance in emphasizing this point of fiqh without equally emphasizing (or even mentioning) the other side. Why aren’t those who emphasize this point of fiqh also emphasizing that husbands have the right to sex and if the wife refuses without legitimate reason, this is sinful? Could it be because they don’t want to face the backlash of feminists and “woke” social justice warriors who consider this “marital rape”? Or why don’t they emphasize the right of the husband to disallow his wife from inviting anyone into their house who he does not approve of? Or the right of the husband to refuse his wife from leaving the house without legitimate reason? Why do the faux-traditionalists not equally emphasize major fiqh points like these, I wonder… It’s not a mystery.

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53 COMMENTS

  1. Scary. Makes me think twice if marriage is even a good thing anymore, especially since that girl is even attending “Islamic lectures”.

    • Marriage can be amazing with the *right* person. Unfortunately, these *right* people are rare and difficult to come by these days. I know this article highlights atrocities of women, but I don’t even know where to begin with Muslim men. Firstly, it’s literally impossible to find one who’s a virgin nowadays so that greatly reduces marriage options. Also, they expect the wife to contribute to finances or otherwise call her a gold digger. Most prefer women with career ambitions and think housewives are lazy do-nothings. I also find Muslim men in general (in the west at least) lack masculine qualities and act very womanly – I want a man for his stable, assertive and protective nature, not a whiny little loser. Anyway that’s my take on marriage.

      • Sister Samira! I don’t know if your claims against Muslim men are limited to just the west or it is general? There are “virgin” Muslim men that I can tell in my part of the world with masculine traits. In fact we are plenty. Maybe this is happening in your society because of your feminisation of men. As a mother, do not feminise your male-kids.

      • This is the thing, women want a man who is capable of looking after them who hold a similar age to them, all while banning polygyny. In today’s society that means a much older man. Who commonly holds traditional cultural values for women and usually sits around and does next to nothing for his children or his household. Yes the prophet (saw) used to help around the house massively, but for his wives to gain his pleasure, they used to do everything anyway. Expectations can kill. Especially when declared only after marriage.

      • Samira February 22, 2021 at 12:33 am

        This problably has to do with your environment. In the country I live in its’s women who strongly insist on having a job and an independent income. The general sentiment among men is that they want a stay at home wife. Women will literally tell you “I didn’t study all these years for nothing”. Female family members encourage women to have a job so that the husband doesn’t have too much power in the marriage. They literally scare women into a job by telling them horror stories. Also plenty of men who take zina very seriously and thus have never had haram relations.

        I do agree with the feminine part. Men is the West aren’t particularly masculine. This is also true for many Muslim men residing in these countries. The women on the other hand tend to be a bit on the masculine side.

      • Lol as if virginity is a gender problem. So many Mozlemahs sluts too. And proud of it even. Just saw a “Muslim sex worker” aka prostitute doing an AMA in FITNA that day. Totally wild.

        Even in “religious circles”, the girls often have had many haram relationships with full Zina and abortions.

        But yes, finding a girl who wants to stay at home and raise kids is a blessing in this day and age. But even if you find one, then comes the problem of if you’re good enough. They will have crazy standards, which come to light if you ever see Daniel’s wife’s “suggested questions to ask a potential”…

      • Typical female response. Can’t help but get in shots at men, huh? Women can never be criticized by themselves without also dragging men into it somehow. And as for there “literally” being no virgin Muslim men, maybe that just applies to the ones you were hoping to marry, the same small number of men that most women truly want anyway. But at the same time, let’s pretend that meanwhile there aren’t hijabis twerking online and whoring themselves out to kuffar men, then lying about it when it’s time to marry some betabuxx doctor, especially since y’all are encouraged to “hide your pasts”. Way to womansplain to a guy who has more to lose than you can ever comprehend in terms of marriage.

      • Salem aleykom
        I was virgin and I knew many men who never even dated a women. All above 25 years old in good shape, tall and with a good financial situation. However we never found a woman older than 20 who never dated a man. So we all married a girl from tunisia.

  2. I am scared of marriage now. Living in the land of Kuffar who will indoctrinate my kids about LGBTQ nonsense on top of having a wife who might misuse the religion.

    • I feel the same brother. I am a 31 years old Pakistani-American living a halal life in New York City for 22 years. I have seen so many haram muslimas with bfs and doing zina, even the hijabis. Feminism and lgbtq has messed up their heads. I, as a guy gave struggled so much with my desires but still remained a virgin. I am going to marry a woman back in Pakistan In Sha Allah.

      • New York is the wordwide epicenter of fahisha. No surprises here. You’re in the belly of the beast.

        Complaining about fahisha in NYC is like complaining about hookers in a brothel.

      • John Wick February 23, 2021 at 4:48 am

        True. Californian universities produce the theories and the culture. New York popularizes, politicizes and exports it to the rest of the world.

  3. To be honest, that woman doesn’t qualify as a wife. He should either explain to her duties and responsibilities, or get rid of her before he ruins his life, and let her marry one of the Shaykhs she’s been listening to.

    • What? The problem here isn’t infidelity or anything close to it. It’s more about his wife being ignorant about her religious duties and as a result her husband losing control over the stability of the marriage.

      There is no reason for you to act like an asshole and tell him to “let her go marry the sheikh”. No offense, but if you don’t have anything productive to say then it’s probably better for you to keep quiet.

      • I didn’t understand the brother to be suggesting there’s infidelity involved? Idk how you got that. If there’s a certain criteria of what a woman’s status is that is being fed to women by these “sheikhs”, then they can marry those men to try and get those “rights” that they believe are owed to them.

  4. A wife told her husband that according to sheikh-ul-Islam ibn Taymiyya, it is not obligatory upon her to serve him. Later in the afternoon, she asked him to take her to a nearby mall so that she can do some shopping.
    He looked into her face and told her “let sheikh-ul-Islam ibn Taymiyya take you there”.

  5. This makes me grateful for my mum. She was a conservative Malay Muslim woman who greatly respected my father’s position as the head of the household. Back in my feminist / liberal phase (forgive me), I just could not understand why my mum, a working woman with a high salary and someone who is assertive and not afraid to speak her mind, always prioritizes in serving my father.

    But as I get older I understand more on the responsibilities of the wife and husband. My father fulfils his responsibilities (providing for his family, making sure we are protected and had what we need) and my mum fulfils hers (supporting the dad and caring for family). There are days when they don’t like each other but would still make sure they fulfil their obligations.

    Alhamdulillah, I no longer bear a grudge or jealousy towards the opposite gender and instead is grateful with how Allah created me. After seeing how Islam is taught in the West, I think its best if I stick to my local country’s Imams and religious teachers to get a more authentic teachings of Islam.

    • Yeah, I am doing that too. Scholars back home are the most trustworthy in my opinion. Or, at best, local scholars of small mosques who are not so famous and affected by this fitnah.

    • Good sign for Western shayks is the size of their beards. You may have two sides of the extreme with this outlook otherwise. A woman should ask what’s expected of her prior to marriage and if she works, she should do so without it affecting what is expected of her(commonly ‘look after’- be physical and mental support for the kids and husband, if cooking with the food the husband has provided is expected, then that too). Otherwise she should stop working. We expect men to leave jobs which keep them too far away from family, same should apply to women, we need emotionally present women. If a woman is helping support the household, then a man should support his wife in supporting the household. Not make demands on her husband or be disrespectful, which is commonly the theme. If a woman is adamant of the man providing and she does the usual cooking and house maintaining, then she should opt for a wealthier and usually older man, &/or be a second/third wife.

  6. Although this is a western specific issue but as Daniel rightly mentioned it’s the ideology of the orientalist. But unfortunately it has spread to the all the corners of the earth and our scholars are definitely not helping matters..In my own side of the world, it is now a thing that where scholars are like the pastors who preaches about getting rich , marrying beautiful wives and these scholars, unfortunately act upon this,and in turn cause problems for those who are poor but still want to get married.. the average women in my society are of the opinion that a man needs to be rich and give her all her rights without necessarily returning the favour.. thus we have @ one hand, lots of divorced women in our society leading to societal decadence as divorced women/men are ostracised(no one wants to get married to them for the fear that they are the cause of the divorce)… complex problem with a simple solution….

    • To be fair the reason so many divorces are taking place that I personally know of, has nothing to do with women not having their everyday rights, it’s the infidelity of men. Why do men marrying second wives as a right when it’s lust or desire for someone they know and they just want to halalise it. What happened about being loyal to your wife?

      • That doesn’t make sense. When polygamy used the be much more widely practised divorce was rather uncommon. As Musim communities westernized and polygamy became more taboo divorce rates started to rise sharply.

        Divorce is strongely correlated with women entering the workforce and receiving a independent income (or receicing a welfare check via the welfare state) – female financial independence. And with this the relative decline in the socio-economic status of the man.

        Women in the West pretty much have guaranteed income. This reduced the need for having a phycial man present. The State effectively has supplanted the man as husband.

  7. It’s his fault. Why is he allowing his wife to attend these lectures that undermine his marriage? His lack of authority seem to stem from his weak personality.

    “he was struggling to make ends meet.”

    “His wife, however, was working, making good money,”

    Did she outearn him? This tends to create an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship. And a very rebellious wife.

    “He had for two years worked hard to meet these huge demands, but then, suddenly he was laid off from his job. His wife, however, was working, making good money, but she did not want to help out financially.”

    Never ever become financially dependent on a woman. She’ll absolutely lose all respect for you. If you need a loan go to your male relatives.

    “…even though he had spent two years devotedly working hard to provide her the lavish lifestyle she demanded and she enjoyed.”

    Doesn’t count. A woman will quickly forget the things you did for her in the past. What counts is the here and now.

    “In certain parts of the US, the Muslim divorce rate has jumped in the past few years and part of the reason is that some of these Muslim figures have been peddling such an over exaggerated picture of women’s rights in Islam that some Muslim women’s expectations of their rights vs. responsibilities are completely unhinged.”

    This is what happens when religion becomes commercialized. The lecturer (seller) has to tell the student (buyer) what she wants to hear to make his business profitable.

    The brother in this story isn’t all innocent. He is the prime culprit though. All three parties carry blame for creating this miserable situation.

    • It’s his fault for marrying a trash woman like that in the first place. Dont try to change a trash muslima
      Into a good one after marriage. Choose a good one from the beginning.

      • I wouldn’t know if she’s trash. It seems like she is from a substantially higher socio-economic background than he is. This is a major fault on his part. If you want a successful marriage marry someone from a similar background. He also isn’t leading his household which tells me something about his personality. The brother problably was raised by a domineering mother who conditioned him to be subservient to women. This personality type is very much present among brothers who were brought over from the motherland to the West by their wives. Either through coupling via relatives or meeting on the internet.

        The problem with this setup is that it puts the wife in the driversseat and relegates the husband to semi slave status. Completely upside down power dynamic.

    • Perfect comment, akh. Victim mentality is unhealthy and unhelpful no matter what the gender. I don’t understand the point of this post tbhwy. If they had wanted to highlight one of the scenarios in which marriages fail, then fine. But instead, the man is humanised, the woman is dehumanised, and we are asked to feel sorry for him. Weak, weak, weak. Bashing women never fixes the problems in society. Taking ownership and true leadership does.

  8. Jazakallah khair for bringing these issues to light! I used to think similar because I was part of the “enlightened” women who followed certain shaykhas. I eventually left all those groups (thank Allah SWT) because I began to notice their feminist undertones and how they don’t seem to address husbands in a good light. Plus their groups never made me feel supported but rather on edge. I was always left wanting to be more free, to attend their events, and do more than I already was doing. When I stopped following them and going back to traditional values, suddenly, my life got easier. I hardly fought with my spouse and I began to focus on simply pleasing Allah. Yes, the rights are there, but like you say, it’s for both sides and it’s supposed to bring harmony not problems. I had to find these values in non-muslim books from author’s like Suzanne Venker, because no Muslima is talking much about how to be a good wife unfortunately. So I started writing about this as I hope it will support the sisters who don’t want to adopt the victim mentality and love being good mothers and wives for the sake of our Lord. May Allah guide us to the straight path, ameen.

  9. @Daniel – BIG booboo bro – Change the headline PLEASE – you need to make it something like:

    The FITNAH’S Of The Compassionate Imam – Fitnah # 547 – Destroying Muslim Marriages Through “Islamic” Education!

    NEVER let go of attacking what you call ‘the compassionate imam’ – let the attack on the compassionate imam be your USP (unique selling proposition) – as THAT is really the root of all evil! All the evils you talk about should eventually converge on one point – the compassionate imam – like the rays passing through a magnifying glass.

  10. As for the topic itself – I’ve got more to add.

    1) The root of this mess is unrealistic expectations drilled down into the youth, by the duniya-seeking scholar.

    Guys- I want a wife with the deeni knowledge and character of a Sahabiyyah, the looks of a Danish supermodel, the cooking and home-making skills of my great grandma from 1940’s, and a PhD from Wharton so that I can have coffee table discussions with her about the economic benefits of nanotechnology!

    Girls – I want a husband who has the deeni knowledge and character of a Sahabi, the looks and the on-screen sophistication of a tall, dark & handsome (cisgender male) Spanish soap actor (who’s really gay in real life!), has a PhD from Yale, and who makes as much money as Bill Gates!

    2) The mis-applied and mis-quoted fiqh

    Apparently in all this talk of ‘The Fiqh Of Women’s Rights’ – the idiot compassionate imam very conveniently and calculatingly avoids THE FIQH OF WOMEN’S DUTIES!

    The whole discourse is centered on WOMEN’S RIGHTS – and MEN’S DUTIES!

    Rights & duties are the two sides of the same coin – regardless if someone follows Islamic social norms or communism’s or capitalism’s!

    The discourse will be fruitful ONLY if ALL FOUR ASPECTS are mentioned

    1) WOMEN’S RIGHTS
    2) WOMEN’S DUTIES
    3) MEN’S RIGHTS
    4) MEN’S DUTIES

    But it’ll be a nightmare for the compassionate imam to teach women to be obedient to the husband in halal matters. How boring would it be to teach in a ‘Fiqh Of Women’s Rights’ course that the wife isn’t allowed to as much as leave the house without the husband’s permission – EVEN TO VISIT HER OWN PARENTS (all four madhhabs); that the husband has more rights on her than her parents let alone her long list of ‘The Modern Little Masjid On The Prairie Islamic Learning Circle – Sisters Group’, that she isn’t allowed to let ANYONE in the house without his permission; that in Hanafi madhhab she can’t even keep a voluntary fast (outside of Ramadan) without the husband’s permission.

    Sure she too has rights. For example, in Hanafi madhhab, she can take money from the husband’s wallet without asking if he’s being a stingy moron with even basic necessities like food and clothing. She can take only enough money to meet her basic requirements for essential living (according to his social standard) that he’s depriving her of.

    3) Ihsan, Rifq & COMMON SENSE is missing from the equation.

    Sure, there are fiqh rules and regulations and rights and duties (on EVERY side), but how much of our lives do we live just staying on the stone cold legal borders of something?

    Do they do that with the kafirs of the western countries and mention ‘it’s my right and your duty to [xyz]’ to every single kafir coworker or neighborhood acquaintance? Or do they open doors for them, offer to babysit their kids and change their nappies for free while they go out for a night of binge drinking? These people will forget all rights here and just bend over backwards to show the best “adab” they possibly can!

    If your job description says you’re a delivery man and your job is to deliver parcels; and every once in a while, a colleague hitches a ride from you to go home, do you oblige to just be a nice guy, or do you turn around and tell him point blank – no, that’s not a part of my job?!

    Can the compassionate imam teach the hadith of Jabir bin ‘Abdullah, as just one example – https:// sunnah. com/bukhari:4052

    Narrated Jabir:
    “Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said to me, “Have you got married O Jabir?” I replied, “Yes.” He asked “What, a virgin or a matron?” I replied, “Not a virgin but a matron.” He said, “Why did you not marry a young girl who would have fondled with you?” I replied, “O Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ)! My father was martyred on the day of Uhud and left nine (orphan) daughters who are my nine sisters; so I disliked to have another young girl of their age, but (I sought) an (elderly) woman who could comb their hair and look after them.” The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “You have done the right thing.”

    He married a previously married lady because of the REALISTIC expectation of wanting his wife to contribute to the upbringing of his young sisters and looking after them! Take that to a scholar of ‘Fiqh Of Women’s Rights’ who will scream till dawn that ‘It is not obligatory on wives to look after the husband’s family’ (correct fiqh position from a legal perspective given some cotexts).

    What ever happened to general “adab”, “compassion”, “rifq”, “ihsan”, and “common sense” above and beyond legal obligations? Isn’t it nice to be compassionate to a person whom you loaned some money if he can’t repay on time? Such “compassionate” acts of being “good guys” and “good girls” start WITH THE FAMILY more than anyone else.

    If a woman is VOLUNTEERING to cook food for her ‘Sisters’ Study Circle’ and ‘The Annual Iftar Fun Day At The Little Mosque On The Prairie’ BUT responds to her husband’s loving request for some warm homemade food or to cook for his ailing parents with ‘It’s my right not to make it. Go ask your mother to make it for you, or get some take-away… and a life, you unIslamic non-fiqh-compliant loser!’ — then she should be divorced right when the husband exercises his RIGHT to marry a second wife without needing her permission and then brings the second wife home and says ‘Surprise honey! This is me exercising MY RIGHT to a new wife. Kids, say Salam to your beloved new MOMMY and give her a big hug and kiss!”

  11. What if you don’t get married at all , I can deal with stuff , i have many problems of my own I don’t need this stuff hanging over my head too , I’ve been single for 30 years I think I can handle 30 years more , if all women are like this just god help is all.

    • All women are not same. Neither are all men.

      Getting married is fard if you fear committing zina.

      If you don’t fear falling into sin (not just zina, even eyeing women casually), then it is still Sunnah of the prophets of Allah.

      If you live in Darul harb/kufr and you fear for your children not getting the deen or might be taken over by kuffar, it is YOUR RIGHT as the man to use birth control or ORDER it to your wife so that she doesn’t get pregnant.

      Allah knows best.

    • Yeah i understand what you mean. I am 31 and still a virgin in a haram place like NYC,USA. So many haram muslims. But marriage is sunnah. Just find a muslimah born and raised in the middle east or muslim countries in a conservative environment. That’s what i am gonna do In Sha Allah.

    • Well, don’t delay it. Get married with open mind that your wife will not b like others and both of you needs to stay positive and expect much less from each other.

      When the love fades we become opposite parties, which is one of the major reasons of the clash. So don’t be afraid. Allah knows better

  12. The fiqh of ‘My Rights As A Muslim Woman’:

    You’re only ENTITLED to decent food, clothing, and shelter as per your husband’s social standing.

    Those gifts for your parents, nieces and nephews – NOT your right!

    That latest $700 iphone charger – NOT your right. Get an Alcatel!

    Flowers for the anniversary – NOT your right!

    Him granting you authority to pronounce divorce – NOT your right!

    Going over to your lady friends house for that weekly potluck – NOT your right!

    Of course, the best of us are those who are the best to their wives.

    You give him a D-average life as a wife, you deserve a D-average life from a husband. You need only D’s to pass. So does he.

    You can excel and choose to have a life of straight A’s. Both of you.

    You are obligated to pray the 5 daily fard’s. If you want to excel, you pray the sunan rawatib too, pray tahajjud and you excel even more! Similar situation here.

    If you married a guy from a lower social strata, it’s your wali’s mistake for giving you off to a man with lower social status; and yours for not objecting to it. Suck it up and live with it, princess! The rules of kafa’ah give the woman’s wali the full right to accept or reject a man.

    Men: You too should take permission from your wali before marrying. Your wali is your deen and intellect. It’s not a fatwa of haram, but it’s advisable and recommended for a man to marry a woman from slightly lesser of a social status than himself, so that she feels more materially satisfied after marriage. It is also advisable that the girl be slightly more deen-oriented/practicing/pious than the man.

    Be realistic and look for people who are more or less in your same broad class, be it in looks or religious practice or money.

    In my experience, a simple, modest, genuinely caring, Allah-fearing, shy, homely non-hijabi – beats a ‘Fiqh Of My Rights’ “hijabi” or “niqabi” who boldly does “da’wah” to strange men – HANDS DOWN, ANY DAY.

    This is not a call to not wear hijab or an endorsement for being hijabless. Just pointing out that sometimes the greater evil and lesser evil are not as they seem!

    • @Ahmad I think all your comments are ringing true. It’s like we’ve lost all common sense. Islam isn’t supposed to be something that’s rammed down your throat to make life hard for you. It’s there to make our married life easier. If you have to make sacrifices and forgo some of your rights for the greater good, then so should your spouse. And just like you’d rather go for a good character non hijabi rather than one who talks to guys etc. I want a guy with who will cook for me, or with me, not for any rights, but just because we’re a couple. I don’t want to marry a guy who will expect me to drop everything I want to do just because I’m married. When and if kids come along that rights itself anyway, but some men marry and want to assert full control of their wife’s affairs in ways even their own fathers didn’t. In this day and age women are not the same as in the past. Look at what my mum or grandmother would’ve put up with compared to us nowadays – we understand our capabilities more and we want men to deal with us in a more equal fashion. It’s not our fault if a guy is too weak to cope with a strong woman.

      • Sorry but the second half of your post is a jumble. (Unless I misunderstood, in which case I ask your forgiveness)

        Asserting “rights” is either strong or weak – make up your mind!

        It can’t be considered strong for men, weak for women, or vice versa.

        HER – It’s my right to not cook you any food – Strong
        HIM – It’s my right to not let you go to visit your parents more than one day in the week – Strong

        HER – It’s my right to not do any household work – Weak
        HIM – It’s my right to get sex whenever I want, night or day (as long as you’re not having your period) – Weak

        HER – It’s my right to not care for your parents – Strong
        HIM – It’s my right to not care for yours – Strong

        HER – It’s your duty & my right to maintenance – Strong
        HIM – Of course! My duty is just nafaqah – food, shelter and clothing as per my living standards. No anniversary dinners! No flowers! No money to buy your sister that new handbag as a gift – Strong

        HER – Deen says the best men are those who are the best to their wives, and women are the queens of their home – Strong
        HIM – Deen says that if prostration was allowed for other than Allah, it would have been allowed for the husband (from the wife), and that the husband has the most rights on a woman even more than her parents – Strong

        A woman pressing on “rights” and claiming being strong, has no moral ground to call a man weak for pressing on his “rights”.

        As I gave the example of salah in general – a Muslim doing just the 5 daily fard’s is a D average. A Muslim praying tahajjud daily is an A average student. Most common Muslims who practice their deen, would be anywhere in between the two.

        So coming back to your cooking example – a man can and probably will cook for a woman if it just makes her feel good or for any reason, as long as she too does stuff that makes him feel appreciated and loved by his wife. It’s a two-way street.

        Our times, lives and circumstances are different, but deen doesn’t change. Men and women might both use iphones, and central heating and we may both be able to solve third degree differential equations, but men are still assigned the role of leadership over women by Allah. It’s an obligation to Allah for men to take the leadership role over wives, and for the wives to take the subordinate role.

        That however changes when the kids come into the picture, like you mentioned. No one has more rights on a man than his mother. A son doesn’t have leadership role over his mother!

        The ‘we’re all equal’ feminist axiom somehow doesn’t apply at any workplace in the world where people gladly accept authority over themselves in order to earn a few dollars in duniya! But wanting to earn akhirah, and all organizational hierarchy or chain of command or anything commanded by the Shari’ah can go take a hike!

        Eventually it’s our duty and responsibility to Allah. When you do something for Allah, dealing with people becomes easier – we’ll know where we have to stand strong and where it’s simply more satisfying and rewarding to be ‘weak’ if you know what I mean!

        Allah knows best.

      • The second half of your comment is absolute modernist feminist trash. “Girls aren’t like this anymore”. Well, maybe they learn a few things from their grandmas and BE.

  13. It is hapening realy. My uncul is also in the same situation. We are wednessing this and the kids are also on the side of there mother. She was a hijabi women and he tbougt she is also an aducated and attending lectures. It is good to see that yiu are talkig about it.

  14. The rule in islàm is still the rule but I dont think it will work in modern world..the responsibilities in household has to be shared..if the woman insist on the previledges,,they should separate.

  15. Apart from cherry-picked points of fiqh, the lack of balance between the rights and responsibilities of either side, and the lack of the concept of simple kindness and love in this whole debate – perhaps one of the reasons this is happening is simply because people have forgotten why they’re on earth.

    Even with all these rights, what is the point of the woman’s marriage (or the man’s, for that matter)?
    It is supposed to be a completion of one’s deen – to help one achieve Paradise.

    The objective is supposed to be Allah. A woman who’s so adamant about her shopping rights at high-end malls should also pay attention to what efforts she’s spending on pleasing Allah and serving his creation, of which her own husband is also one.

    The same goes for men…

    • Shopping at the high end mall is NOT the woman’s right. She should take husband’s permission before leaving home.

      Out of city, she can’t travel without husband or mahram anyway.

  16. Infidelity? Husband losing control over marriage? Check the article again and read the comment again.
    Certainly, the hush will have a lot less to worry about without her.
    Do you think such a woman is worthy of mothering children? What respect would they have for their father. Let alone being raised as feminists.

  17. Many Muslim women allow too much interference in their marriage , nothing is kept private , all through the smart phone her daily life is up for all her so called friends, most of whom aren’t well wishers anyway .
    The girls mother plays a huge role in interference too , she lives vicariously through her daughter … her son in law is her take two on marriage . Wives should learn the benefits on keeping low profile and private and she too should refrain from interfering in her friends / female cousins & sisters marriages .
    Mummy doesn’t need to know everything

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