Choosing the Right Spouse for the Sake of Allah

Marriage preferences can make a huge difference in changing the orientation of a community. Generally, we know that marrying someone with good deen and good character is important, but specific red flags are important to know as well.

In the past, I have given advice to the brothers. Now let me give some nasiha to the sisters.

Sisters, refuse to marry a guy who:

– Is fine hanging out with other women casually, frequently communicating with them for non-legitimate purposes, having fun, joke-y interactions with them, etc.

– Doesn’t have any close Muslim brother friends, i.e., friends who themselves are strong Muslims.

– Has mostly non-Muslim friends.

– Has had zero experience learning deen from scholars and doesn’t have a deep respect and appreciation for scholars.

– Is not interested in standing strong for Islam and the Umma.

– Is not passionate about building the future of the Umma in his own way (and one of the main ways is to get married and raise as many strong Muslim children as possible).

– Talks about reforming Islam or even hints at the idea that “Times have changed and the Muslim scholarly tradition needs updating for our context.”

Sisters who are not married, you have a big responsibility here. Don’t settle for weak men. You need to demand strong Muslim men.

“Strong” doesn’t mean a white knight who is going to women’s marches and wearing pink “Hillary is MY President” t-shirts.

“Strong” doesn’t mean a perennialist wet noodle going around talking about how beautiful all “faith traditions” are.

“Strong” doesn’t mean an elitist taking 10 pictures every week of his expensive latte with a carefully placed tasbih next to it.

“Strong” is not a pretentious academic type trying to “bring Islam into the 21st century.”

You get the idea.

Practically, talk to your wali about these points so that both of you are able to investigate and interrogate potential suitors. You have a lot of power in being able to choose who gets to be your husband. Use that power for the benefit of Islam and the Umma and Allah will reward you for your good intentions.

May all our sisters marry strong Muslim husbands who will protect them, cherish them, and lead them to every good in this life and the next.

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6 COMMENTS

    • Our main purpose is to worship Allah, not to get married. So if that means rejecting “98% of Muslim men”, then so be it. At the end of the day, it is what Allah wills. If we do end up marrying, Inshallah it is with someone who follows the deen otherwise what’s the point.

      I agree with you though, most men, and women, don’t follow the deen in the way that it should be followed. They are liberal, or extremists. Also, many of them follow different sects. It’s unfortunate but there are still a few good Muslims out there. Just need to pray and search hard enough.

      • It’s very hard that’s it’s almost unpractical, u can only find those true pious man in deep rural areas. A Woman need to do a GREAT amount of sacrifice for that. And Women are very demanding, they want guarantee security and worldly materials. Remember why UMAR ( RA) was rejected by Aisha (RA)s sister because of his rough lifestyle ?!! And this is UMAR(RA) we’re talking about.

        There are many genuine kind Muslim men in Muslim World but somehow a chunk of them under Daniel’s reject list because of gullibleness ignorance. Rather, Marry them, build them, and work together towards the Deen.

    • As I explained in my comments on the previous article about secularization of judаіsm, the Muslim ummah has now followed the Jеwish ummah to become societally divided into “Haredi” (ultra-orthodox) Muslims like the Таlіbаn and Muslim skeptic team, and “Hiloni” (secular-Liberal or reform) Muslims, along with a third section of the ummah who are “Modern Orthodox” Muslims half-way in between Haredi and Hiloni Muslims in terms of social conservativeness-level.

      Basically what brother Daniel is saying in this article is, “Dear Muslim sisters, become a Haredi Muslimah like my wife (i.e. Housewife and stay-at-home super-mom of many kids who dresses a lot more conservatively than Hiloni Muslim women), and boycott both the Hiloni Muslim and modern orthodox Muslim guys, and marry only a Haredi Muslim man (i.e.guy with big beard and long robes whose main job is to study religious scriptures all day long and follows the every opinion of his rаbbi/іmam)”.

      Nowadays it is difficult to find Daniel’s ideal “Haredi Muslim” men in the west or in cities of Muslim world (where “Hiloni Muslims” and “moderate orthodox” Muslims are now the clear majority of Muslims), instead those Haredi-type Muslims are only found in large numbers in the rural and tribal areas of some Muslim countries like Afghanistan, Pakistan, Yemen and Somalia.

  1. I would ad this: look at how he relates to his parents. If he is overly congratulatory of his mother and silent or negative about is father….this is a huge red flag. This will lead him to subordinate to women and push you in the driver seat of the relationship. Typically these ‘men’ are going to be emotionally immature (often narcissistic) and lacking in initiative (chronic procrastinator). Self-reflection is a skill they don’t possess. If something is going wrong it will always be your fault.

    You’re effectively going to be stuck with a grown child.

    Look at your potential father-in-law….that’s your husband in about twenty to thirty years. If your FIL is a religious and hardworking man your husband is likely to be this way as well.

    Men who are well put together tend to be very close to their father. If the relationship is cold and distant this is going to translate in negative personality traits.

    Him being overly congratulatory of his mother is indicative of a life of too much comfort. Men aren’t made in such environments.

  2. Another important point to add is ; Don’t allow yourselves to become a victim of what liberals and cuffar call “falling in love”, because if you allow your “fall in love” or “cupids arrow” emotional sentiment to override your rational logical thought and if you become a slave to the cupids arrow emotion, it can lead you to make mistake of choosing the wrong person to marry, including even if you go against your walee/family wishes to marry a guy just because of becoming a blind obedient mental slave to cupid’s arrow emotion. The propaganda of seculars, liberals and feminists claim that falling in love happens automatically and it’s beyond our control and you can’t chose who you fall in love with. However this is not true.

    Actually, falling in love is like breathing : it may happen automatically without us consciously thinking about it. However you can override your body’s natural reflex of breathing by taking control of your own breathing, and likewise you can override the involuntary “fall in love” cupid’s arrow feeling by deliberately choosing to fall or jump OUT of love. That’s what you should do if you fall in love with a person but your walee/family is totally against him and if your brain or logical rational sense is that he may not be compatible. Don’t let cupid arrow lead you to betraying your logical rational brain and family wishes because that’s extremely dangerous with high risk of marriage failure later. Choosing marriage partner based on mutual compatibility of personality, lifestyle, future plans, deen, and family is more important than choosing spouse based on falling in love cupid arrow emotional feeling.

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