Editor’s Note: Yes, this article is satire. No need to email us.

Toxic masculinity is defined as “a cultural concept of manliness that glorifies stoicism, strength, virility, and dominance, and that is socially maladaptive or harmful to mental health…”

And seeing as how roughly half the Muslim Ummah is comprised of men, we have to make sure that this savage half knows that toxic masculinity is unacceptable.

This is why I have taken the liberty of conducting research on this matter and will present my findings to provide a portrait of the model non-toxic Muslim man.

1. He Is a Feminist

What good is being Muslim if you aren’t a hardcore feminist as well? One way to make sure your toxic masculinity is kept in check is by actively protesting for feminist causes, like “reproductive rights,” “sex work,” “trans rights,” and “smashing the patriarchy.”

Don’t worry if these feminist causes contradict Islam. Being a good ally to the feminist cause is more important than religion.

If a Muslim man ever starts getting agitated about how feminism produces some of the most selfish individuals known to mankind (like Malala Youfazai), then he’s probably “mansplaining” (the crime of explaining something to a woman), and should consider taking anger management classes.

2. He Is a Master Cuckold

Merriam-Webster defines a cuckold as “a man whose wife has sex with someone else: a man’s whose wife commits adultery.”

The non-toxic Muslim man will master the art of being a cuck. He may not feel comfortable at first, but he knows that in order to make his wife’s relationship with her boyfriend last, he has to actively take steps towards supporting their relationship.

If he does his due diligence, even the most “degrading” situations won’t faze him.

Admittedly, your wife having her own boyfriend (or boyfriends, why should she limit herself?) does leave the Muslim man holding the proverbial bag, but his quest of becoming a master cuck and keeping his toxic masculinity in check, makes up for any negatives.

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3. He Celebrates LGBTQ2SIA+

Naturally, the non-toxic Muslim man will have no issues loudly and proudly supporting LGBTQ+ rights, just like his beloved imams and research institutes have taught him. In his mind, the more letters, the better.

As we know, it is every Muslims duty to support marginalized homosexuals and transgenders who are being brutally oppressed by the most powerful forces in society.

Support for the LGBTQ community will eventually become a family tradition within the Muslim man’s wife’s household. Him, his turban hijabi wife, and their one child will attend pride parades, hand out LGBT pamphlets, and wave rainbow flags. Diversity win!

Muslim kids will be able to thank their master cuck-dad for making sure their local drag queen can finally read them stories at their school’s library. If we can get enough imams to become less toxic, maybe there can even be drag queen story hour at the mosque. Maybe a drag queen story khutbah! Only toxic patriarchal Muslims would have any problem with this.

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4. He Actively Seeks Ways to Reduce His Testosterone

According to studies conducted from 1999 to 2016, there’s been a dramatic decrease in testosterone levels of young men today compared to men in the 1990’s. Alhamdulillah.

But, even a little testosterone is still TOO MUCH testosterone, amirite? (Unless you are a 5-year old in the process of transitioning, of course.)

The Muslim always aims for ihsan, so the real Muslim man wants to get those T-levels as low as possible.

Thankfully, there are a lot of options for this: consuming soy products, smoking pot, and being a sedentary vegetable will help any Muslim man reach the ideal zero testosterone target. At this point, he is one step away from going down the Caitlyn Jenner route and becoming a real shero.

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5. He Never Judges Anyone

The true non-toxic Muslim man learns to accept and celebrate the choices of everyone around him. His wife will spend late nights working alone with male co-workers in the office; his daughters won’t wear the hijab and will go to prom; his sons will cross dress. Only Allah can judge! His job as the father is only paying the credit card bills and keeping his mouth shut.

At work, he’ll also make sure to attend Christmas parties, Halloween parties, Valentine’s Day Parties, Thanksgiving Day Indigenous People’s Day Parties. Why not? If something is good enough for liberal upper-middle-class Western society, it’s good enough for a Muslim man. This is what the deep mujtahid, mujaddid shaykhs of our time call `urf.

Now imagine this scenario. A Muslim man has a son who identifies as a “furry” (someone who thinks he’s an animal). But his son’s school doesn’t have a litterbox for him to use when he needs to go to the bathroom. What does the non-toxic Muslim dad do? He fights for furry rights! He’ll make sure every school in his state is federally mandated to provide litterboxes and scratching posts. Now that’s being a true Muslim ally!

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Bonus

It goes without saying that if anything patriarchal is ever mentioned, the non-toxic Muslim man will immediately begin to feel uncomfortable and nervous. The very idea, for example, of masculine Islamic figures such as the fearless Sahabah will make him sweat profusely. Any mention of the battles of Islamic history will make him convulse uncontrollably. As far as Islamic content goes, he much prefers learning about how Islam means peace and how to knit.

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