The Beauty of Forgiving Your Spouse

When all you’d seen around you were bad marriages, a good marriage comes as a shock.

This happens to many people. Which is one reason why many young women (and men) are scared to get married, thinking it will most likely be terrible. Marriage today has such a bad rap.

This happened to me personally.

I remember a specific incident in the first month or two of my marriage, and it has stuck with me for the past decade and a half.

My husband and I had had a random argument or disagreement (I forget now about what), but I remember distinctly that I had been more in the wrong.

So I went to him to apologize. I said, “I’m sorry for what I said–”

Immediately, he warmly replied, “It’s okay. Thank you for apologizing. I’m sorry too.”

His response was so quick, so instant that it had actually cut me off. He took me off guard completely.

He had interrupted me. I had been just starting the “apology process,” which refers to the long, arduous, agonizing process of apologizing to someone who refuses to be placated or appeased. Someone who refuses to forgive or forget. Someone who seems to revel in your mistakes so that they could hold them over your head and use them as ammunition for a long time to come. Someone who requires long, elaborate apologies, begging, pleading, groveling, maybe even some crying. Only then, MAYBE, if you were lucky and they were in a good mood, they may deem it fit to semi-“forgive” you. For now anyway.

RELATED: Is Your Marriage Plagued with Thoughts of Divorce?

I had only seen this model in the marriages I had seen around me until that point in my life.

I had never seen a marriage where forgiveness was easy, where apologies were simple yet sincere, and where people were allowed to be human and make honest mistakes.

I was astounded, of course.

As I stared at my husband, frowning with suspicion and consternation at him, trying to figure out his game, I said, “That’s it? Just like that? We’re good?”

He smiled and held my hand. “It’s water under the bridge.”

Another expression I had never heard before.

What kind of mind games was this man playing??

He said something along the lines of, “We are going to have fights and arguments. We are both going to make mistakes and accidentally hurt each other’s feelings sometimes. And that’s all right. No problem. We just have to apologize and forgive each other. And then we move on, no grudges. And over time, our marriage will inshaAllah get better and better, as we learn from our mistakes and get to know each other better. Nobody is perfect, so we just have to be flexible and easygoing. Marriage doesn’t have to be hard.”

It was an amazing moment for me. An epiphany. A revelation.

Marriage doesn’t have to be hard, or miserable, or stressful.

Marriage can be whatever you decide to make it.

Your own marriage does not have to mirror the sad, bad, unhealthy, or dysfunctional marriages you may have seen growing up in your family or extended family or neighbors or friends.

Your marriage is YOURS.

Be open to learning new ways to think, to feel, to *be*, with your spouse. Let go of the past. Remove the old fear, dread, suspicion, mistrust, pessimism, and cynicism that you have learned to view marriage with.

Dare to be hopeful, optimistic, and trusting as you form your own marriage, your own relationship with your spouse.

Unclench your hand from around the old baggage that you’d been tightly clutching for years.

Put your hand in your spouse’s hand and start a new, beautiful chapter.

RELATED: The Best Marriage Advice

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FrenchMuslim

Often times our ego stop us from forgiving or even worse from apologizing. An apology, even when we still think we were right can sometimes fix everything. Of course we shouldn’t apologize for everything to everyone, but I think certain relationships like our brothers, sisters, husbands, wives and parents are more valuable than winning a debate.

Haziq Farhan

I don’t mind apologizing but only if my spouse has the right way of thinking. Otherwise things that are wrong is wrong, and things that are right is right. I don’t care about being right, i care about truth

FrenchMuslim

I agree. It’s just that sometimes (I’m speaking from a general context here as I am not married yet) and maybe it’s just me that is very bad a diplomacy but you exhausted the discussion at the time and you need to stop politely before it escalates and when water has passed under the bridge you can come back with other arguments. And sometimes to do that you need to sort of concede the argument because the other person might be so worked up they also want to prove you wrong.

Haziq Farhan

ok, i’ll take that

Zaheen ahmed

This is true we should be more forgiving of each other and especially for small arguments and petty things.But i have seen in Indian cultures People often force forgiveness they basically call up someone that you can’t dismiss someone elder like Mom dad etc.for example a wife calling husband’s mom vise versa and telling one sided story which make it seems that he is irrational angry person and that it was just a very small thing and that he should forgive her basically gas lighting him

Last edited 16 days ago by Zaheen ahmed
Zahid Hasan

Wayne, your comments would be appreciated.

Mohammad Talha Ansari

Wow! We see Daniel bhai in debates bulldozing arguments, opponents and foundations of wicked civilizations but this is a new side to him.
May Allah keep him on the right path and save him from wickedness, internally and externally. Ameen.