(Disclaimer: For those who might not catch on due to reasons such as English not being their first language, etc., this post is satire.)

Assalamu ‘ala man ittaba’a ‘l-huda.

If you didn’t already know, the salam is exclusively for Muslims. It is not permissible to give salam to a disbeliever. The above is the alternative for salam that is used for disbelievers. It translates to ‘peace be upon whoever follows the guidance.’

Since I don’t know the ‘aqidah (beliefs) of the majority of our readers, I have no choice but to suspect that most of you are deviant mushrikin (polytheists) and kuffar (disbelievers). As such, I have opted to use this alternative to salam instead of the regular salam, which I reserve exclusively for my Muslim brothers that are fortunate enough to have been the recipients of guiding light of our Shaykh al-Islam, the eminent Muhammad ibn ‘Abd al-Wahhab al-Najdi.

Introducing Myself

Now, where are my manners? Allow me to introduce myself. I’m just a humble down-to-earth student of knowledge who belongs to the saved sect, unlike all you grave worshipping polytheists reading this article.

For certain reasons, I am unable to share my real name, but I go by the pseudonym ‘Rafidah Destroyer 99’ on X, formerly Twitter. I also have an alt account by the name ‘Super Duper Defender of the Pure Creed.’ The profile picture is of a Wahhabi scholar with two red laser dots instead of eyes.

Finally, I have a second alt account by the name ‘Sahih Abu Salaf al-Mujaddid,’ with the profile image of an aged Wahhabi scholar. This gives people the impression that I’m a 60+ year old Mufti. In reality, though, I’m just a 16-year-old high school student living in my Mom’s basement.

Now, the purpose of this article is simple. There have been a lot of Rafidah sympathisers and Shi’ah agents online saying that the Muslim ummah needs to ally with and support Iran (while wholly disagreeing with and refuting their misguided theology) against the Zionist US-Israel regime. I’m here to explain to you why that is a terrible idea and why we can never ally with the Rafidah kuffar.

As for how I was able to post this article on Muslim Skeptic, among the greatest of our sworn enemies, I’m not entirely sure. Perhaps this is a miracle, and before one of you rushes to the comments to say that Wahhabis don’t believe in karamat, that’s not completely true. We do believe in it, just only when it suits us.

For instance, if I heard mass reports of a sufi shaykh whose du’a’s are accepted by Allah when he prays for healing for the sick people who visit him, I would flat out reject such a claim. However, if the Saudi government told me that the moon was sighted when it was practically impossible to be witnessed, I’d believe it without a second thought and explain it as karamat al-MBS.

Anyways, I digress. Let’s get to the topic at hand.

Why We Can’t Ally With the Rafidah Kuffar

One of the main reasons we can’t ally with Iran is that the Shi’ah have a long history of betraying us, and they are obviously tricking us once again. You see, their deception game is so strong that they had their own supreme leader killed in an airstrike alongside many other high-ranking government officials just to fool us into thinking they’re actually opposing Israel. I mean, that’s some serious commitment right there!

It’s so brilliant that one is almost forced to think Iran is actually battling the Zionist US-Israel regime. But that’s only what they want you think. It’s all part of an elaborate hoax, and one is only able to develop the insight to see through it after spending two years at Madinah University, like I did.

Another big reason is that Iran wants to spread deviant Shi’i beliefs all over the Middle East, and we can never allow that to happen. We would die before we let bid’ah and kufr spread throughout the lands of the Ahl al-Sunnah. But allowing shirk to spread in the form of Hindu temples, giant statues of Buddha, ancient Arab goddesses, and ancient Egyptian gods is all good though. That we can stand behind.

I mean, can you imagine the disaster that would take place if Iran were to actually defeat Israel? I shudder even thinking of such a dark future. The Israelis fleeing in swathes back to the European lands they came from, Gaza freed from death and destruction, the West Bank returned to its rightful owners, Jerusalem liberated from the Zionists, the Star of David taken down, and the flag of La ilaha illallah raised high. I mean, what could be worse?!

Because this would come at a ‘grave’ cost (see what I did there): the opening of the doors of bid’ah and kufr.

I mean, can you imagine deviant Shi’ahs praying INSIDE Masjid al-Aqsa? Can you imagine Muslims praying freely without being harassed or under the constant threat of being attacked by the IDF or bombed to smithereens? I hope we never see that day.

I’d much rather the Zionists just take Masjid al-Aqsa, destroy it and build the Third Temple atop its ashes. After all, the Jews are People of the Book, so having them worship Dajjal in the Third Temple is much more preferable to the Rafidah kuffar worshipping in a liberated Masjid al-Aqsa.

I mean, who knows? Maybe the Third Temple being built will finally revive the dead hearts of our pious Sunni rulers and get them to act. Then we will finally have someone to support us against the Zionists. As my mother says, always try to see the silver lining.

My mother actually gives me a lot of advice. However, I always courteously reply with:

“What’s even your ‘aqidah bruh?!”

And she always gives me a bewildered stare. You see, I realized a long time ago that she’s woefully ignorant of Bin Baz’s online fatawa, so clearly I can’t take knowledge from her. And since I don’t know her ‘aqidah, she might not even be Muslim unfortunately.

RELATED: “Israel Loves Me”: Wahhabism’s Naive Devotion to Its Abusive Lover

The Importance of Bootlicking Gulf Rulers

Now, there are a lot of evil mushrikin out there who are constantly attacking our beloved Arab rulers, saying that they’re sitting around doing nothing or even helping Israel whilst the Shi’ahs are the only ones actually fighting the Zionist regime, and it’s gotten out of hand. Well, let’s set the record straight. Do our beloved rulers have faults? Maybe they do. But that doesn’t mean we can criticise them.

I mean, sure, some of them were in the Epstein files, being chummy with the baby-eating child-molesting sex-trafficking Baal-worshipping Mossad agent Jeffrey Epstein.

And sure, they’re trying to spread not just bid’ah but also outright shirk and haram ideologies that are much more severe, such as celebrating Halloween and Christmas and promoting liberal secularism, atheism, and feminism, all of which are extremely Satanic ideologies.

And sure, they’re normalizing relations with Israel, physically assisting them in many ways, and signing all kinds of heinous agreements like the Abraham Accords.

And sure, they’ve forgotten their fellow Muslims, and they instead waste their time building tall towers and living lives of extreme wealth and lavish comfort, and this kind of insane materialism is indeed completely contrary to the Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ.

And sure, they let the US build bases in Muslim lands that led to the deaths of countless Muslims (and still do to this very day).

And sure, they themselves killed many, many Muslims, hundreds of thousands in some cases.

And sure, they make billions of dollars’ worth of deals with the Zionist regime.

And sure, they’ve become nothing more than sellout Zionist puppets.

But you know what? Wait, what was I trying to say again?

Yeah, um, they have the right ‘aqidah and wear tight thobes and stuff, so, that’s kinda cool I guess.

Look, the point is, you can’t criticise the Gulf rulers because criticising the ruler is haram. You can, however, criticise the heck out of all other non-Arab Sunni rulers, just for the love of the game. We make exceptions for that.

Greater Israel Is Part of the Gulf Rulers’ 5D Chess Strategy

And in fact, allying with Israel might not be as bad as you think. The rulers are playing masterful 5D chess with the Zionists, slowly lulling them into a false sense of security. You see, they’ve purposely let themselves become militarily crippled and dependent on the Zionist regime.

They’ve purposely allowed the Zionist regime to conduct a mass genocide of Muslims and launch an intense secularization and de-Islamization project against Muslims spanning more than two decades. It’s all part of a genius plan that our little insignificant minds can never comprehend.

But the best part is that they’re only getting started. The real meat of the plan will be to let Israel take over the entire Middle East, replace Masjid al-Aqsa with the Third Temple, and form Greater Israel, a grand Jewish continent that consists of tightly surveilled smart cities where Muslims comprise the lowest goyim slave class for their Jewish masters.

Pfft, imagine all of this happening and for Israel to think that things are actually going according to their plan, whilst in reality they’ll be falling right into the traps laid out for them by our beloved rulers!

RELATED: Zionist Newspaper Says: Madkhalis Are the “Friends of Israel”

Helping the Cause by Joining the CIA/Mossad/ISIS

Stuff like this gets me excited enough to want to be an active participant. As such, I have decided to help the rulers as much as possible in letting Israel take over the Middle East, and the best way to do that is by becoming a member of the CIA-Mossad controlled ISIS. I already sent in my résumé to the CIA. No I just have to wait for them to approve it.

Then I can finally join forces with my Jewish and Christian brothers who are People of the Book and wage jihad against all these loathsome polytheists who dare claim to be Muslims. It doesn’t matter if they’re in Gaza or in Iran, we’ll get them all.

It’ll be great. Have Kitab al-Tawhid study sessions all morning and then, for the rest of the day, carry out our orders from Mossad to eliminate the Rafidah kuffar and sufis along with their families. And finally, I’ll get to put up my Ibn ‘Abd al-Wahhab poster on the wall and admire it all night. Sometimes, I even talk to it.

Now, you might be thinking, doesn’t that mean that I’ll be fighting alongside the IDF? Well, no, not just the IDF. I’ll also be fighting alongside US soldiers who’ve been sent all this way and forced to die for Israel. Together, we’ll be the dream team against the only real threat to Islam: Iran fighting the Zionist regime.

The Only Consistent Wahhabi in the World

I just realized that the Gulf rulers I hold so dear are not considered Muslims by ISIS, so, in order to join them I have to make a big change. I will now be upgrading from a Madkhali Wahhabi to a consistent Wahhabi, and I will takfir these rulers as well.

In fact, I’m also realizing something even more serious. Neither Bin Baz nor other scholars of his level made takfir of these rulers, and whoever doesn’t takfir a kafir becomes one himself. Ibn ‘Abd al-Wahhab taught me that.

This means that I must takfir Bin Baz as well, unfortunately.

I am also now realizing that Ibn Taymiyyah never made blanket takfir of the Rafidah, which means that I have to takfir him too.

Oh dear, someone just showed me that Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal called upon angels for assistance, and now I have to takfir him as well.

This just keeps getting worse and worse. Virtually no one makes takfir of the likes of Ibn Hanbal and Ibn Taymiyyah, and so, I have no option left but to make takfir of everyone. Even Ibn ‘Abd al-Wahhab. Even ISIS. None of them know true tawhid.

It seems that I’ve come to a stark realization. Since I am the only one who applies the doctrine of chain takfir properly, I must be the only one who truly understands the meaning of La ilaha illallah. And it seems that no one really understood its true meaning before me either. And if anyone claims to understand it, then they’re just insane liars.

This means I’m the only real Muslim on Earth.

Indeed, only I have been given this true understanding. Oh, what an issue of great magnitude and immense significance this is! What a great clarification and definitive argument against any disputer! What a great blessing from Allah. I am the chosen one!

Surely now you see that I am the only person in the world who is upon pure tawhid.

Henceforth, I invite everyone to accept the religion of Islam.

Either accept my invitation or prepare for jihad to be waged against you.

I must leave now. My Mom is calling me upstairs for dinner.

Signing off,

Rafidah Destroyer 99

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