The phenomenon of wives who feel contempt for their husbands is typically a first-world modern problem. In developing countries, in past societies historically, in other times and places, it is more rare to encounter a social climate of wifely contempt or condescension towards the husband.
In modern liberal high-GDP first-world countries, the police state is so muscular and feminism is so rampant and jobs are mostly in indoor air-conditioned spaces and fornication is so normalized, that women feel like men are disposable.
A husband is superfluous.
A good husband gets unappreciated, dismissed, sometimes carelessly discarded.
When a husband’s main roles are financial provision and physical protection, and she lives in a world where she can financially provide for herself at a non-physical white-collar job and the police are a phone call away and all roads are paved and she feels safe from day-to-day security threats, then it’s easy and almost natural for a certain kind of wife to feel like her husband is a burden and to see him as a dead weight bringing her down.
The modern world in capitalist industrialist societies has made life so comfortable and cushy that women have the luxury to decide that “men are trash.”
But, in other circumstances, outside the artificial modern western bubble, the wife knows that her husband is her lifeline.
In all traditional cultures and all past civilizations across time and space throughout human history, women instinctively grasped the value of men.
Having a good husband meant having financial stability, physical safety, a secure domicile, social status, spiritual guidance, communal good standing, a large robust family, a strong network, critical social capital.
This isn’t only about ancient history.
Even in our current age, in certain places and particular countries in the world, having a husband means having a barrier between oneself and robbery, physical assault, gang violence, homelessness, home invasion, rape, theft, starvation, humiliation, physically taxing jobs, and other dangers that exist beyond the spoiled, sheltered existence of women in the soft western liberal bubble.
In these other societies, women appreciate men highly and seek good husbands desperately. A woman who lands a good husband is like a person who has struck gold. She fully understands his worth and completely appreciates his fulfillment of masculine roles.
So, naturally, she will do anything to support him. She will be cooperative, agreeable, thoughtful. She will do things to help him do his job. She will try to make his life comfortable at home after he comes back from the work he does to secure their livelihood and provision of the family. Cooking, cleaning, having and caring for the children are all non-issues. Obedience is not a problem for her; in fact, she will not only obey instructions, she will anticipate his needs before he even has them!
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She understands that she is helping him help her. Taking care of him so he can continue taking care of her. Providing him emotional comfort so he can continue providing for her.
It is an entirely different experience of marriage.
In Egypt, in my parents’ generation and prior, we had a common expression in colloquial Arabic:
“ظل راجل ولا ظل حيطة.”
“The shadow of a man and not the shadow of a wall.”
“Having a man is better than being alone.” You, the wife, can be “in his shadow,” ie., behind him, sheltered by him, covered and protected. He will stand between you and the world, and you will be safe. It is better for a woman to put a man between herself and the external world, than it is for her to put a wall between herself and the external world.
An old cultural expression that communicates a deeper sentiment, a different mentality.
This type of wife will be steady. Patient and mature. Forgiving, flexible, loyal. She appreciates her husband and will stick with him, having no motivation to drop him when things get hard or if she gets bored with the natural tedium of daily life.
Now, don’t misunderstand. I am not saying that all wives in modern liberal countries are contemptuous of their husbands or even that all of their husbands are good men. Neither am I saying that the only way for a wife to appreciate her husband is for her to be starving and homeless in a dangerous place and that she’s selfishly using him.
The point here is simply to draw our attention to the larger picture, the overall climate in which marriage is either devalued or prized.
There are general environmental factors that lead a wife to look down at her husband and roll her eyes at him with disdain, or lead her to look up to him as a blessing and gaze at him with appreciative soft eyes.
Two different scenarios, coming out of two different realities.
Leading to two different results.
In the wealthy liberal artificial bubble, any marriage problems quickly lead to divorce, since the wife has already been feeling impatient with her unnecessary husband for a while and anyway she out-earns him at work and she really doesn’t need his s#%&. Easier to dump the whole man and move along to bigger and better things. Her friends, mostly bitter divorcees themselves, will trash-talk her deadbeat husband and encourage her to divorce him. The feminist courts will rule in her favor and grant her half of his money, assets, and properties, and give her custody of any children.
In other countries, the wife is highly motivated to keep her husband. Normal marriage problems are addressed, solutions are pursued earnestly, and there are wise elders who talk sense into both parties to restore peace and equilibrium. If the husband is wrong, he will get a stern talking to by his elders and other men will discipline him if necessary. If the wife is wrong, she will be made to see the error of her ways by her womenfolk, who will encourage her to see her mistakes. The wife herself, internally, is highly motivated to preserve her marriage and stay with her husband, as she deeply knows his value.
It is, in light of these factors, easy for us modern people to understand better the hadith of the Prophet ﷺ:
لَو كنتُ آمرًا أحدًا أن يسجدَ لأحدٍ لأمرتُ النِّساءَ أن يسجُدنَ لأزواجِهِنَّ لما جعلَ اللَّهُ لَهُم علَيهنَّ منَ الحقِّ.
“If I were to command anyone to prostrate before another, I would command women to prostrate themselves before their husbands, because of the special right over them given to husbands by Allah.”
Not a sajda of worship or deification.
But as a gesture of respect.
Of full appreciation.
Of humility.
Many modern women in liberal bubbles lack respect, appreciation, and humility vis-a-vis the husband.
But outside the fake cushy bubble, women naturally feel an abundance of respect, appreciation, and humility toward the husband.
Sometimes, as modern women living in the time and place in which we live, we need this reminder.
May Allah grant all Muslims harmonious marriages, ameen.
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Social media and smartphones have made everything even worse.
Within a finger’s reach on the screen of the Smartphone, women now have access to a huge catalog of men to choose from, this gives them the perception that the grass is greener on the other side, added to the ease of accessing other men, this has made divorce super easy.
This and much more is also happening in Muslim-majority countries. In North Africa alone, countries like Algeria, Morocco, and Tunisia have birth rates that are plummeting, soon they Will be like Hungary or Bulgaria full of old people with no Young people to take care of them…
While I agree with you, it is not enough to just say what you said, women these modern days may easily accept what you said at face value, it is not enough.
I believe in Allah as our ultimate guide, it is important for those who are currently being tested to return to Allah and ask for guidance.
Returning to Allah for his guide and realizing where is the distinction between nafs and self esteem, ego and self reliance, or Allah and the devil’s influence, is the only answer. Allah knows best.
I agree
There was a case of a woman who’s husband repeatedly anally raped her, and when she tried to leave, her family refused to take her back because they couldn’t afford to support her and also stigma etc. they kept sending her back to him. The abuse continued until she became incontinent.
A society where women are trapped because cant provide for themselves puts them at risk. Many women are blessed to have good husbands, but many others aren’t, and they shouldn’t have to endure abuse
Ok buddy, disgusting fear mongering, the father screens the man looks at his past, his values, his action and stops bad men from marrying his daughter in most cases.
I could say some women kill there husband while they sleep for inheritance 😱, now never sleep with you wife in the same room.
Salam alaykum. Thank you for this thoughtful article. I have often wondered about why the Prophet, sallallahu alaihi wa sallam, informed us in the authentic hadith that the majority of the followers of Dajjal would be women. When we consider the total collapse of modern society that will occur near the emergence of the Dajjal, I suspect that many women will follow him in hopes that he will somehow bring back those “good old days” of general security and high paying cushy jobs.