Marriage Advice for the Weary Muslim Bachelors and Bachelorettes

I got married at the age of 23. I was trying to get married at the age of 19. It took 4 years and it was not easy.

At 23, I had no job (still a student), no clear career path, no house (lived in a basement apartment and my room was the size of a closet) , no car (bus and subway only), no savings. So I wasn’t exactly the most eligible bachelor.

So how could I convince my in-laws to marry their daughter to me?

It wasn’t easy lol, but they saw that I had some basic Islamic knowledge, was practicing, and was trying to learn more, seemed like I had acceptable khuluq (character). In terms of dunya, they also saw that I was a hard worker, had a plan, had hopes and ambitions.

Allah bless them. Not many parents would agree to marry their daughter under those circumstances.

Muslim parents: Have realistic criteria for potential suitors. Don’t look at material possessions if you want a young son-in-law who is close in age to your daughter. Look at other factors, deen and khuluq being most important as said by the Prophet ﷺ. If you are fine with your daughter marrying someone 10 or 15 years older, then fine. Otherwise, it makes absolutely no sense.

Hadith: “When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage, accept. If you do not do so there will be temptation in the earth and extensive corruption.”[Tirmidhi]

Abu Huraira reported that the Prophet ﷺ said, “The nobility of a man is in his religion, his manhood is in his intellect, and his honor is in his character.” [Musnad Ahmad]

Muslim women: Have realistic criteria and be smart. Remember the maxim – If you want to be the wife of a general, you have to marry a lieutenant. Don’t wait for your later 20s and 30s to start seriously accepting proposals. Start early, early, early. If you think it is too early to start, it’s probably late.

Muslim bachelors: Work on improving yourself in all respects, starting with deen and khuluq. Rejection is natural. Don’t let it get you down and out. Let it make you stronger and more determined to achieve ihsan (excellence) in all you do.

Overall for both brothers and sisters struggling right now:

If you are trying to get married, do not lose hope. Leave it to Allah. Keep going back to the dua:

O Allah, give me what is best for me!

O Allah, you know and I do not!

O Allah, make it easy for me to get what is best for me!

You want Allah to help you. Are you doing your part to be the best Muslim you can be?

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44 COMMENTS

  1. Al-salamu ‘alaikum,

    “At 23, I had no job (still a student), no clear career path, no house (lived in a basement apartment and my room was the size of a closet) , no car (bus and subway only), no savings. So I wasn’t exactly the most eligible bachelor.”At 23, I had no job (still a student), no clear career path, no house (lived in a basement apartment and my room was the size of a closet) , no car (bus and subway only), no savings. So I wasn’t exactly the most eligible bachelor.”

    This was something difficult to accomplish years ago when you got married, ustadh. However, now, a 23 year old with a job, a clear career path, renting a decent place, with a vehicle is still deemed unfit for marriage (age, needs to pursue a graduate level degree, needs to wait for his career to improve, etc.).

    How far does a young Muslim man go with his self-improvement before he becomes so resentful at the general Muslim community and decides that they have abandoned him? At what point does a Muslim man just weigh his options and cut his losses, so to speak?

    BarakAllah fik.

    • I would say 30 ish is a good cut-off. If, by then, you have survived, you have suffered alone in the worst period of your desires. At that point, you will also shift your focus and want to do other things in life. Instead of bringing a wife and immediately having kids and a headache while having already missed out on the “fun periods” of marriage, the only logical thing is to then focus on yourself. You can get an OLED TV with all that money and live happily single forever.

      • Nonsense. Might work for you personally but most people will end up wanting kids and a wife even after 30.

        Also, OLED TV? Really?

      • He asked how far to go, and I simply gave a suggestion based on most people’s shift in focus and dreams as they progress in life. Yes, when you’re young, you are dying to get married for a thousand different reasons. But if you have already suffered alone for a decade, while she watched from the sidelines and waited for you to get that 6-figure salary job, I don’t believe she is now entitled to enjoy the lavish life he worked hard for. Be there in his hardships, and she will be there for you when you have kids and need to raise them. A marriage takes sacrifice from both parties.

        Yes, OLED TVs are pretty much unequivocally the best right now. Are you not aware? Or is that “nonsense” and you are able to buy a consumer-grade micro LED TV?

      • I would not even put at at 30. By the time the modern Muslim youth living in the West is 25, there is a chance he is legitimately traumatized from remaining celibate in the face of ubiquitous haram and won’t even be able to have a happy relationship.

        I don’t agree that by the time a person is 30 he has waited a decade alone. Many people begin having desires and seeking out relationships after the age of 12. So, it is closer to two full decades than one.

      • For argument’s sake, I used an upper bound. No doubt desires start in teens nowadays. But it’s obviously impossible to marry at 15 for many reasons. And it is more than possible to control it at that stage by simply focusing on your life and/or fasting because it is only the desire that exists.

        But in 20s, it gets significantly worse, and it’s even the companionship. You want to be with someone, go dating like everyone else, etc. So it’s MUCH worse. And you cannot just “think about work and study” and just forget these things anymore. You have some time and want to enjoy life a little like everyone else too after all your hard work until then.

        But at 30, you have already crossed it, either in a halal or haram way. If it’s haram, no further discussion. You already fell, what’s the point now? None. If it’s halal, you already survived this long using such dire measures and fasting to exhaustion so much. Just do it a few more years and enjoy life by yourself and find friends. Makes no sense to bring a girl who rejected you for over a decade because you didn’t have money and now she just barges in, enjoys your money, and brings kids and more responsibilities in your plate without any enjoyment when you needed it.

        And to the critics: don’t go saying it’s ObJeCtIfYiNg GiRlS or something since the reverse argument would apply to her then. Does she look at him as an ATM to only marry once he’s in his 30s? I am simply pointing out marriage needs both parties to help each other when they need them the most. One earlier in life, the other a bit later when she has children and needs to stay at home and nurture them.

      • No man has ever missed out on the fun periods of marriage at any age he is, as long as he is given a young woman to marry.

    • I agree with you on the objectification. I would even go so far to say that there is more objectification of Muslim men as producers of wealth than the reverse, for Muslim women as sex objects.

      The issue stems from a feminist society deceiving women until they hit their biological wall. Once they approach thirty and then have that intense urge to have children, now their priorities shift. Unfortunately, that is occurring with the men throughout their teens and 20s, then it drops all the way off.

      “I am simply pointing out marriage needs both parties to help each other when they need them the most. One earlier in life, the other a bit later when she has children and needs to stay at home and nurture them.”

      These are golden words, akhi. This is what Muslim women do not understand. They have almost nothing to contribute to a brother once he hits 30, especially if they themselves are 30. Their value is in their youth whereas the value of the brothers is in his age. They don’t know how to invest, they want to hold their depreciating assets until it is almost worthless then exchange it for something which has only appreciated in value for years.

      • Men do not have a wall. That needs to be made clear that men should be regarded as eligible for marriage to young girls when he’s at any age, regardless of his financial status.

      • Yeah, any normal person will NATURALLY want to give back to those who helped him. Even though my parents are ok Alhamdulillah, I feel like sending them money back home since I’m earning now. Just because they have given their EVERYTHING for me all these years. You will never feel you paid them back for their favors.

        Similarly, if a girl married you when you’re younger despite not being rich or having a big apartment, you will NATURALLY want to provide for her and upgrade her to a bigger house so she can live comfortably once you get a good job. But if you suffered and worked hard all alone without ANY help from anyone except Allah, you get to enjoy your victories alone too.

      • Don’t listen to Ali A. He’s probably another influencer from a compassionate imam or american islam group here to convince us to feel like older men have missed their chance to get married if he was not married when he was young.

      • Muslim women can contribute to a man regardless of his age. Don’t listen to anyone telling you that once a brother turns 30 a wife has nothing to offer him.

  2. The fact that you had a degree from Harvard had nothing to do with it lol? The girl’s father sees the “earning potential” of the prospect, right? So I am sure that was a big, perhaps the biggest factor, which you completely avoided. Most guys with simpler degrees (or none) would never get nearly the same response as you in your situation.

    • Stop promoting ideas that young women don’t want older men or that the families only want a guy with financial means.

      Daniel, this John Wick should be blocked from posting here.

      • Uh what? When did I promote that young girls DON’T want older men? They DO. Hypergamy blabla. Please read properly. I have said older MEN don’t gain much from a late marriage as much as older WOMEN do, so it makes little to no sense for him to suffer alone for a decade(s) and then just let her waltz into his life when she wants a provider.

    • Lack of a university degree should be more of a desirable quality in a man; for suitability for a wife, than the presence of a university degree in today’s society.

      • @Bint Bint

        He wad busy trying to get a 6 figure salary because all the young Muslim girls were rejecting him when he was young.

  3. Life is a struggle. The generation needs to toughen up and become resilient men. Not getting to marry is part of that struggle. Improving oneself in dunya and deen is a struggle we must all face. The pleasure of achieving after all years of struggle makes the victory more sweet than one could imagine.

    Be the best at your craft and the riches of the dunya and deen will come running toward you.

    • Uh you endure what “struggle” you are absolutely forced to undertake in life but always try your best to avoid it and never trust your own self. We never seek fitnah in Islam. We seek to avoid it to the best of our abilities and deal with the bare minimum residual, which is already difficult. And, as an Ummah, our job is to make early marriage easier so our young guys don’t have to fast and suffer till 35 alone. At 35, he won’t be “tasting the sweet victory after 20 years” Iike you claim but have either given up on marriage and taste the sweet victory of finally having a life less consumed with bad thoughts and more time to do what he wants to do.

      And no, the Dunya and Deen don’t come running toward you because you’re “the best at your craft”. Where the hell did that even come from? There is evidence for the Dunya coming running toward you in the Hadith of making the Akhirah your intent, but not “your craft” and certainly not the Deen running toward you.

      • No man should ever give up on marriage nor should anyone listen to anybody insisting he should, the way John Wick and Ali A are.

      • You can’t assume someone’s dreams and focus in life will be any particular way at any phase of the person’s life. That varies from person to person.

        John Wick is trying to insist that everyone s goals in life are the same and change the same way as they get older.

        Don’t listen to John Wick. Old guys should pursue marriage to young women and society should encourage that. If society doesn’t encourage that, it’s time to change society.

    • Part of that struggle is to resist being discouraged by those like John Wick and Ali A who tell you you’ve missed your chance at marriage and that you should accept being a bachelor for the rest of your dunya life.

  4. The moment my son reached puberty
    I told him if he ever wanted to have an early marriage. I will support him. He is now turning 16 and I had a serious discussion of if he wants we can start looking and instead of having a girl friend he can have a wife if we can find a good match InshaAllah.

    • And older guys 40s or 50s age should be given access to girls for marriage as soon as the girls reach the legal age of consent.

      No man should ever be regarded or perceived as too old for marriage to a young girl, even if he’s never been married before.

      • Oh, and modern sex age of consent laws should be abolished. The prophet peace be upon him married a 6 year old girl when he was in his 40s. They should legalize that in modern society.

    • May Allah reward you and enable him to have a wife early. Also teach him the responsibilities (and maybe rights later) of marriage as he grows up now so he can have a realistic idea of marriage by the time he finds her.

      • Uh so you want to marry a teen girl (with probably the maturity of a pre-teen) at 40? And that’s what your “non-compassionate imams” have taught you to do?

    • Not all men had parents who would support their young son like that. Some men accepted islam later in life. Those men also deserve easy and inexpensive ability to marry a young woman.

  5. John Wick is probably an infiltrator from Heart Progress or one of those other compassionate imam/Americanized islam groups sent here to spoil everyone’s hopes and spread faisha.

    Don’t listen to a word John Wick says.

    • What’s Heart Progress lol? And wait compassionate imams would ENCOURAGE late marriage because they pull arguments like “It Is OuR jOb To TaKe CaRe Of OuR oLdEr & sInGlE mOtHeR mUsLiMaHs” after she was too busy rejecting all the good guys because they didn’t have 6-figure salaries or didn’t pray 7 times a day.

  6. I think that young marriage is good provided that both are religious and have good character. Marriage is a big responsibility and I don’t think that teenagers these days can handle it. So, those of you commenting about how you want a ‘young’ ‘teenage’ wife need to really think deeply about this. Even if you have the financial means, do you really want to marry a teenage girl? The maturity of girls these days and their knowledge of Islam is not as good as it was during the prophet’s time and a bit after. You need patience and knowledge yourself if you want to marry a teenager. Plus, she needs to consent of course (where I’m from I think it’s 16+).

    (This is just a side note, but I doubt teenage girls are going to be physically attracted to a 40+ year old man. No offence intended, but it is a factor to consider. The stuff I’ve mentioned is just my own opinion 🙏🏼 If you do end up marrying a young wife in a halal way then that’s great👍🏼)

    • Most or what you said is ok but this age of cOnSeNt BS isn’t from Islam. If the Wali gives permission and she’s happy with it, the Nikah goes forward. The kafir paper has no value.

      But yeah nowadays 19 year old Muslim girls have the maturity of 9 year Olds so probably a bad idea anyway.

    • “I think that young marriage is good provided that both are religious and have good character.”

      Even if they’re not so religious and haven’t got good character marrying young shouild be encouraged. In fact even more so because they’re more prone to fitna. Marriage should be promoted across the board.

      • I do agree, but they should at least be practicing the basic minimum (5 x salat, fasting in Ramadan, Charity, tawheed, aiming to go to Hajj if they have the means).

        I think that good character is important in order to make it a long lasting healthy marriage. No one wants to be married to someone that can’t control their anger (eg: resorts to physical/ verbal abuse) or someone who is lazy etc.

        Overall, I do agree that young marriage is necessary to prevent fitna. But, there needs to be some religious commitment and a decent character. Otherwise, you’re just setting yourself up for a divorce.

        May Allah grant everyone a righteous spouse inshallah. 🤲🏼

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